In this society, we tend to hand out trophies and extend rounds of applauses to the superheroes, wonderwomans, and invincible, which sends this message that we should not embrace that we are human. That our humanness, our ability to fail, to feel, to have a certain limit in our brain power, physical ability, or attention span should be something that we should constantly fix or dismiss.
Nearly every day, I am faced-to-face with a weakness of mine. Nearly everyday, I have a moment where I feel like a failure and the only thing I believe about myself is that I am inadequate. Past scars and unresolved memories replay in my mind, confirming my inadequacy, and any past achievement or acknowledgement goes unnoticed. I have moments where I feel like no one has loved me a day in my life or looked at me with eyes of admiration and adoration. So maybe I'm being a bit dramatic now, but the pain that I'm describing isn't honestly short of the mark.
A stream of "I wish I was more..." pile themselves on top of each other until it gets so high and heavy it begins to crawl out of my throat and the only language I can speak or communicate in is in the language of tears. I am very fluent in tears. I feel different things depending on the day, depending on the season.
...I wish i blogged more. I wish I was more funny. I wish I was more pretty. I wish I was more organized. I wish I did my homework earlier. I wish I was more thoughtful...
Today I beat myself up because I wish I was more financially responsible. And you know what, I'll be so honest even I fear you'll view me as a brat, I wish I had more money in my bank account. I wish I had enough money to pay for everyone in my life and not end with a wish that it could be reciprocated. I wish I didn't drive with an empty gas tank for days dreading the dollars it drains. I wish I didn't get bitter over driving people because it's my gas. I wish I was never tempted to steal or shoplift. I wish money grew on trees. And this is embarrassing for me to say this, because I know I'm not necessarily tight financial situation. I have a dad who pays for my college tuition and monitors my bank account. I'm just a brat who can't keep her dollars in line.
And on top of that, it's 3 a.m. and my homework isn't done. And the kitchen is messy. And we're almost out of toothpaste.
It's a stream that flows from subconsciousness, and it comes unannounced and unwelcome. It's like a virus that plants itself into my thoughts and feeds off every insecure whisper that passes and remains unnoticed until suddenly it's so big that I fear it may swallow me whole.
Inadequacy is a very familiar feeling for me. We have a very intimate relationship because someone told me no one loves ordinary. No one loves plain jane. But what everyone forgot to tell me was that i didn't need to achieve extraordinary.
All that to say is that I realize I don't feel loved when I am weak. I feel unloved for being weak. Which means I believe only the strong are lovable. Which means I try to be strong to gain love. Which means I can't fully accept God's love because it requires you to tap into your weakness.
But there's a whisper in my soul that reminds me that I am not and never was made to hustle. I was never made to worship.
We were made to live out of bravery and victory, and live to find it and that is what God meant when he told us to walk by grace. Walk with your head held high and your heart brave and your chin up because grace meant God already won. God already won and invited you into his happy ending. His story of victory.
Tonight I am reminded that I am not superhuman, but I worship a God who is bigger than any other superhero you can imagine — and he holds me close. He calls me "mine."
